An open letter to my mom

Happy Mother's Day Mami

My Mami, my Abu and I circa 2008.

For a long time, my name was nothing but a burden to me. It felt like a shadow, a reminder of a likeness I wasn't sure I wanted. Strangers would smile and say, "You look just like your mom," and it made me squirm. Why did they say that? It felt like an unintended insult, and I'd respond with a half-hearted joke, masking my discomfort. For a long time, I resented my mother. I felt as though all the pain and anger I felt was because of her; she had made me, she had fought for me, and I was alive because of her. I needed to dislike her because I couldn't like myself. I loved her but I couldn't like her.

But it's true what is said about time being an excellent healer. As I grew older, I began to see my mother differently. Looking at old photographs of her was like looking at myself. Yet, admitting the truth felt daunting—I was indeed my mother's child, and I feared that accepting this would mean I couldn't love her because I couldn't love myself. I was terrified.

My mom never gave up on me though. Regardless of all the times I slammed the door in her face or shouted at her to get out, she was always there. Open arms and a waiting loving embrace. Slowly but surely, my mom helped me work through those feelings and thoughts that had distanced us for so long. I began to see her not just as my mother, but as a woman who had weathered storms of her own: heartbreaks, triumphs, and challenges I had yet to face.

My family's stories painted a fuller picture of my mother's life—the struggles she endured silently, the hurdles she overcame to provide for us, her achievements in a competitive corporate world. My mother was a woman self-made by her own hard work and dedication. I had never truly realized how incredible she was.

Not so long ago, my mother was invited to share a few words for International Women's Day as an “inspiring woman who takes part in the change in the legal market” and her words haven't really left my mind: “Surround yourself with those who inspire you, teach you, and push you to grow”. For me, that person is my mom. Well, not only my mom. I have to deviate to give mi Abu (my grandma) recognition too. She's watched me grow and held my hand at many doctor's appointments and through many scary needles. I wish you could all try the birthday cake she makes me without fail every year, it's the best I’ll ever have.

But back to my mom, I hope she knows ( I know she’ll read this because she is my number one cheerleader) that all I am is because of all the love that (even when I stubbornly denied it) she held out for me. Thank you, Mami for always being there, for tucking me in at night and holding my hand when we cry at the end of a movie. Thank you for always being up for a coffee run and, thank you for giving me the world; I promise I’ll use it to make you proud.

Nowadays, every time someone says I look like my mother, I take it with nothing but pride. I am glad to have the same name as my mom, and I will forever wear it as a badge of honor. I love that we share the same dark brown hair and cheery laugh. I love how both of our eyes squint when we smile too hard and I love how we wear the same shoe size. I hope to someday be half as incredible as my mom. 

To all mothers and makers out there, to all of those who inspire, this is a day for you, thank you for all you give to the world.

I know this day is not the easiest one for everyone and I know that I am incredibly lucky to have such an amazing mom. But, if this is not your favorite day out of all, I am not only sending you all the love in the world but I also encourage you to change the narrative and take this day for yourself. After all, isn't at its core this day a celebration of creation and love? Surround yourself with all that inspires you, with all that helps you flourish and makes you feel warm.

Let this day be nothing if not kind. This week's Sunday Spread is dedicated to my mom. It's dedicated to everyone who nurtures and inspires, who fills the world with love and kindness, thank you:

• “Algo Contigo” (Something with you) - Vicentico

When I was little, my mom used to take us to school bright and early almost every day. Now, this was a time before Spotify which means that during those car rides, we would play the tunes we had bought off Apple Music. My mom always tried to make us all happy so she would rarely pick any music for herself but when she did, she would often play Vicentico’s “Algo Contigo”. It's a soft song that is simply an ode to romance. The soft strums of the song simply lift you and cradle you in its cozy arms while investing you in the happiest of dances. If this day catches you a little blue, blast it in your room and let yourself dance to its joy. There’s nothing quite as good as a dance break for the soul.

• “Todo sobre mi madre” (All about my mother) - Pedro Almodovar 

Todo sobre mi madre (1999)

Forgive me if my Hispanic nature is showing in this one BUT, I think this movie is much more than just an example of brilliant foreign cinematography. Almodovar is one of the most renowned directors in Spain- and with good reason that is. His movies are incredibly colorful, creative, hilarious, and yet tender and emotive. It's an incredibly unique portrayal of parenthood, adulthood, femininity, and identity. It shows a part of Spanish culture that is often ignored or disproved and acknowledges the complexities of family and life. But Almodovar never lets that be a downer (usually). As Janet Maslin best put it in her 1999 review of the movie (yes, it's an oldie but a goodie), “ "All About My Mother" is about splendidly resilient women rather than wounded ones”.

• “The summer when my mother’s eyes were green” - Tatiana Tibuleac

Moldovan-Romanian author Tatiana Tibuleac’s 2019 book is a jarring yet beautiful tribute to complicated parenthood. It tells the bittersweet story of a boy's relationship with his mother as he remembers the last summer that he ever spent with her. It is a story of change, love, and most of all, learning. It can be an incredibly tough read and it took me a while to finish it, but it is very well-written and worth giving it a chance to tear through your soul and heart. It leaves you slightly heartbroken but with a slight smile that says, “I am alive”.

• “My mother and I” - Imdad Barbhuyan

  

  Copyright © Imdad Barbhuyan, 2020

Delhi-based photographer, Imdad Barbhuyan shows us a deeply personal and melancholic portrait of identity through his “muse”: his mother. “Through these images of my mother, her hands, her hair, and flowers and fruits from our garden, I am trying to talk about intimacy and belonging, celebrating where I come from and creating a visual world of what ‘home’ means to me,” he says in an interview with Joey Levenson. The images are incredibly soft, intimate and nostalgic. If anything, they invite us to wonder about our definitions of home. Is it in the food we share? The braiding of hair? Flowers watered and kept? The plate of fruit that someone has cut carefully for you? What is home to you?

• “Mother’s day with Drag mothers and kids” - Dominic Cadogan

This Dazed article is incredibly celebratory. It acknowledges that for many, family and home aren't always found in the house where they grew up or their biological parents. The photo series that accompanies this article and the interviews with the Drag queens who explain their relationships with mothers is incredibly moving and joyful. It gives insight into tender relationships that fuel creativity and self-identity in such a way that it is hard not to smile. My favorite part of the article is Petite Lamé’s advice for anyone considering creative expression such as drag: “Find your steps, find your friends, and do drag in the way that makes you feel most comfortable. There’s no right way to do drag. The only wrong way is being mean to other people.”